I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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