dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
