I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
