guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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