Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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