Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize