i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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