I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
