So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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