I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
