Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
