I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
