I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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