The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
