I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
