if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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