she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
