some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
