I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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