I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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