Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
