My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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