i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
