She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
