i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
