Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize