I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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