I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
