I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
