you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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