call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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