I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
