Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
