Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
