I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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