Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
