When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
