last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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