3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
