I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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