It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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