I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
