He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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