I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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