I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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