Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just want to make out with him forever
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
