see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
