mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
