my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
