the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
