I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
