The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
