watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Floor bacon is actually really good
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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