Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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