yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
