i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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