2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
