Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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