just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
it's like heaven, but drunker
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
